Funny Things To Do To Your Roommate

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.

4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."

6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.

7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.

8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.

9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.

10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that darn hypnotist...."

11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."

12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning.

15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.

16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.

20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" Every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

24. Roller skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.

26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.

27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."

28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."

29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from the gods, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

31. Offer to shake hands, all the time. Immediately afterwards, go to the bathroom and wash your hands for about half an hour. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Better to be safe than sorry."

32. Keep a goldfish in your room. Watch it for hours, writing down all of its movements and actions in a notebook. Then, one day, stuff the notebook in the fish bowl, and write down all of its movements and actions on the fish. If your roommate asks, explain that the notebook is a lot easier to keep track of, and doesn't eat nearly as much.

33. Use your VCR as a toaster, stuffing bread or pop-tarts into it every morning. When you eat them, complain that something doesn't taste quite right. Adjust the tracking on your VCR, and from then on rave about how good the food is.

34. Keep a plant by your telephone. Every time you enter the room, ask the plant if anybody called. Complain to your roommate that the plant has been making up wild stories about important phone calls.

35. Get a Pet Rock. Sleep with it, and read it bedtime stories. Every night, as soon as you turn out the light, start screaming at the top of your lungs. Explain to your roommate that the rock is afraid of the dark.
36. Get a trampoline for your room. Invite your friends over and jump on it all the time. Then, while your roommate is gone, get rid of the trampoline and draw a chalk outline of a human body on the ceiling. If your roommate inquires, say that you don't want to discuss it.

37. Set your alarm for any time during the day. When it goes off, immediately go to bed, letting the alarm clock continue ringing or buzzing until your roommate turns it off. When he/she does, get up and go about your normal daily business.

38. Stuff yourself into a big plastic bag. Tell your roommate that you've contracted a rare case of the Bulgarian Measles, and you're now being quarantined by the Health Center. Tell your roommate you've been using his/her toothbrush.

39. Light firecrackers and toss them into your roommate's bed while he/she is sleeping. When he/she wakes up, pretend to be asleep.

40. Get a sponge and draw a face on it. Take it to class with you. Let the sponge help you with your homework. Leave notes to your roommate, from the sponge, accusing your roommate of not living up to his/her academic potential.

41. Make "small talk" with your roommate; asking questions like, "How was your day?" and "What are your plans for tonight?" Act interested and write all the responses down, muttering things like, "Hmmm.... Very interesting." Call a local radio station and report the results.

42. Dump all of your roommate's laundry in the center of the room in one big pile. Burn it. If your roommate protests, explain that it was a sacrifice to the "fashion gods".

43. Wait until your roommate is very tired. Insist that you are a master of massage. Ask your roommate to lie down. When he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a baseball bat. If your roommate is still alive, and protests, say, "Oh, I must have done it wrong. Let me try again." If your roommate is dumb enough to let you try again, once more hit him/her in the head with a baseball bat.

44. Complain often about having a loose tooth. When your roommate isn't looking, stuff your mouth with white marbles. Pretend to sneeze, and spew the marbles all over the place. Scream, and run out of the room.

45. Come into the room with a fire extinguisher hidden behind your back. Ask your roommate if he/she has a light. If he/she gives you one, spray him/her with the fire extinguisher. If he/she doesn't give you one, spray him/her anyway.

46. Put an umbrella up, over your bed. Sleep underneath it at night. If your roommate asks about it, respond by saying, "A storm's a-brewin'." Then, one night, get a bucket of water and dump it on your roommate while he/she is sleeping. Get back into bed. If your roommate asks about the incident, claim that you don't know what happened.

47. Get a gasoline can and fill it up with water. Keep it under your bed. Wait until your roommate is around, and start running around the room. Then, collapse, and say, "Darn, I ran out of gas!" Crawl over to the gasoline can and drink from it. Get up, and start running around again.

48. Get two mannequins and keep them inside the room. Every day, dress up one to look like yourself, and the other to look like your roommate. One day, position them so that your mannequin is shaking the roommate mannequin's hand. Later that day, shake your roommate's hand. The next day, position them so that your mannequin is kicking the roommate mannequin. Later that day, kick your roommate. The next day, position them so that your mannequin is stabbing the roommate mannequin with a really big knife. Glare at your roommate for the rest of the day.

49. Keep a variety of bugs and insects inside a jar. Use a stethoscope to "listen" to what the insects are talking about. Act like you can't understand anything. Then, at night, get up suddenly, turn on the lights, and start yelling, "Shut up! I'm trying to sleep! You guys are so darn loud, I can't hear myself think!" Continue complaining for about half an hour. Do this every night until all of the insects are dead, at which time, sob, sniff, and say, "I'm gonna miss those
guys."

50. Get an air pump. Put the end in your mouth, and start pumping. Do so for a few seconds. Repeat this action every day, eventually extending the amount of "pumping" time to several minutes. Then, one day, while your roommate is out, get some blood, intestines, and anything else you can find at the biology lab. Scatter and smear these things around the room, leaving the air pump in the center. Leave your roommate a note that reads, "I'm sorry, I just can't stand living with you any more. So, I'm ending it all. Sorry about the mess."