Funny Things to Do at the Computer Center

1) When the consultant asks for your I.D. (at schools where you hand in your I.D.), reach way down into your pants from the backside. Look perplexed. Say "hold on. This could take a while".

2) When you sit down at your computer, turn the keyboard facedown and start typing on that side. If anyone looks at you, stare at them maliciously.

3) When someone sits down at the computer next to you, look confused and ask them to 'watch this'. Slowly look at the keyboard, and nervously push a key. When a letter appears on the screen, turn to them and ask if theirs does that.

4) Every ten minutes, look side-to-side nervously, punch the 'enter' key really fast, and dive under the table. Cover your eyes. After about ten seconds, get back up and resume whatever you were doing as if nothing happened. Repeat.

5) When you arrive, survey the surroundings. Lean in to the consultant and quietly ask where their condom dispenser is.

6) Bring a stuffed cat. Make it chase the mouse around the computer.

7) When you go to the bathroom, start disconnecting the computer, and packing it for travel. If anyone asks you, say "I might be in there for a while".

8) If one of the computers goes down, sneak in early the next morning and dress the other computers in black. Say they're in mourning.

9) When you have to write papers, put the keyboard on the side of the computer and ignore it. Pull out a marker and start writing on the screen. If someone suggests the keyboard, say that you don't want to be that impersonal.

10) Make your own 'consultant' badge. Wear it when you go to the computer center. Whenever anyone asks you for help, say "what do I look like, a consultant?"

11) When you leave, hug all the consultants good-bye.

12) When you go to the bathroom, hug all the consultants good-bye.

13) If you are at a computer for a long time, and the person next to you has been there a long time, turn to them and coyly say "you like me, don't you."

14) Grab the keyboard of the person sitting next to you. Get really pissed off when a) the person asks you for it back. b) nothing appears on your screen. c) when what you're typing appears on their screen. Accuse them of plagiarism.

15) When writing a paper, get up and triumphantly jog a lap around the room every time you complete a line.

16) Go to every third computer. Pardon yourself to the user. Lean in toward their disk drive and quietly whisper "dad?" After a couple of seconds, move on.

17) Fake being electrocuted by the keyboard. When you have enough people's attention, stop. Start laughing like it's the funniest thing you've ever imagined. Do it again. If they respond, do the same thing. If no one responds, act hurt.

18) Sneak behind the consultant's desk. When people come up to give you their I.D.'s, scrutinize them. Reject people based on looks.

19) Run a garden hose into the computer lab. Put the nozzle right next to you at your computer. When people ask, just say 'it makes you feel safer'.

20) Keep requesting 'talk' sessions with the person next to you. As soon as the connection is established, leave it. If they ask you what you want, say you don't know what they're talking about.

21) When the consultant asks you for your I.D. (for a computer), offer them sex instead. -- Extra points if this goes against your sexual preference. If they say no, hand them your I.D. and proceed as normal.

22) Run a wire from the inside of your pants to the back of the terminal. If anyone asks, say "I'm charging the machine".

23) Try to race your computer; every time you hit a key, poke the person sitting next to you. Keep doing this until you can poke the person ten times before what you are typing appears on the screen.

24) Practice at home until you get it perfect; then go into the center and spend the whole day there playing country-western tunes with the computer's error noises. Stop if someone likes country music. Really.

25) Determine the busiest printer in the center and disconnect it from the network. Use it to feed a pet.

26) Gesture to the person sitting next to you. When they lean in, point to their computer and whisper wisely "watch out for that one; it's an animal in the sack".

27) Enter the computer center naked. Shiver, as if you’re freezing. If or when they give you a machine, put the keyboard on your lap, and sigh with relief. Go about your business.

28) Get a black, hooded robe. Get a scythe. Stand over the printer, and touch everyone gently on the shoulder who comes to collect their papers. (wear this same outfit any time a computer goes down; touch that instead)

29) Tell the consultant you need to talk to them. When they approach you tell them that you "just don't feel the lines of communication are open". Request a sharing session.

30) Develop and practice an ancient Celtic war cry every time you log on to the computer. It helps if you can develop violent war gestures, too.

31) When you are given permission for a computer, don't take the user card for it. Just perch above the computer and study the person that does eventually use it.

32) Enter the Building dressed in camouflage fatigues and reckon paint. Brandish a fully automatic rifle. Tell the consultant behind the reception desk that you won't be needing a user card; you brought your own authorization.

33) Look side to side, nervously. Quickly kiss you monitor. Look embarrassed. Go back to work.

34) Try to recruit people for a seance; tell them you want to contact lost files.

35) Stand in the corner with a collection box to a) get a shower for the computer center, b) get Nitro, the American Gladiator, to guest-lecture, or c) start a phone-sex line from the network. If possible, try to combine some of these. (Phone-sex in the shower with Nitro, for example)

36) Bring a kiddie pool to the computer center. Don't answer any questions about it. Don't refer to it again. Periodically 'notice' it, and look at the people around you in disgust.

37) Put a can of sprayable cheese wiz at each station. When there are enough people in the computer center, stand majestically up on your desk, hold up your own spray-can, a tube of toothpaste, and a sock-puppet, and exclaim "The time has come!". Then sit down and resume working.

38) Keep coming back into the computer center dressed in different out- fits. Give the consultant your I.D. every time. Get really pissed off and bitter when the consultant isn't fooled.

39) Practice an instrument instead of using the computer. This works best if you play something you've never really been good at.

40) Bring a really huge axe into the computer center. If the consultant asks you what it's for, just say that you saw something in a cartoon once, and you think it might work.